Sorry, not sorry…

17/1/2025

Sorry, not sorry…

For a while, and I mean about a decade now, I’ve just kind of let this simmer, bubbling gently under the surface of my skin…I’ve been a little bit over this crap about us as Women saying “Sorry” for just about EVERY bloody thing in our lives. For some ridiculous unknown reason, we just seem to be apologetic for, well…being alive!

So out loud right here, right now, to my fellow Women the world over I say, “Sorry, not Sorry”, And Ladies, I urge you to do the same! :)

For me, it all came to a head earlyish in 2024 when in one of those cheap variety stores a Woman loaded with goods, accidentally bumped into me and as her purchases all tumbled around her, she painfully squeaked out, “Sorry, oh oh sorry, so sorry”.

We stood there chatting for a while and I explained how the whole “sorry, not sorry” concept had pretty much taken over my life, and how a simple trip to the shops can take a turn just like this; here I am again entangled in explaining the “sorry not sorry” web, and why I believe Women easily treat ourselves like second class citizens and we don’t even know it!

It also led to one of the most open and honest conversations of both of our lives (which is another post altogether!) and changed the way I deal with other Women, thereafter. I have a lot to thank her for, I wish we’d swapped numbers!

Here though, is the gist of what is irking me so:
Women, the world over are simply and politely taking the blame for you know…EVERYTHING!

So, I came home and started to write down what I was thinking – breaking down the questions I had about how this happened and what we can do to change this mindset the obvious first question I asked myself was…

Why is it that we apologise for everything – why do we keep saying SORRY?

Are we bred that way? – The quiet little woman at home in the kitchen in the 40’s/50’s/60’s doing her housewifely duties without fuss, making sure the kidlets are clean and well presented for His Maj on his return from the real world at the end of the day - is that still running deep and we just haven’t realised/addressed it properly?

Is it a permanent undertone of silent-ish bullying/violence toward us? You know we are automatically in the wrong, not quite as smart or quick-witted as the male counterpart so always that little bit more ‘dim’. We have our set place and if we step outside of that, then must be “wrong”, we must be “sorry”? (I mean, come-on, you only have to watch a couple of episodes of The Bold and Beautiful to see the B.S. narcissistic 3-way relationship between Ridge, Brooke and Taylor on permanent loop, that has clear violent control themes and is a 20-year story FFS – and we LOVE that crap!? Stay tuned I think we just found my next blog topic! LOL) We are actively involved in its continuation BUT we don’t have to be, we can halt this shit at any time we like!

Question (obviously) number two was:
Is this a leftover attitude from the 60’s and 70’s that we as Women are continuing and need help dropping?

You see, I personally think and feel that this is more serious than it looks and sounds on the surface; we’re carrying this over to future generations and it needs cutting out right now.

In Australia in 2024, 78 Women were murdered by a male person that she was either currently or previously in a relationship with who/was known to her (statistics SBS News https://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/is-2024-australias-worst-year-for-violence-against-women/8rejzzpza)

In the 90’s I was a Step Mum to both a Male and Female child and I was very conscious of my actions, words and responses - but I know we don’t always get everything “right”. Parenting is hard, school curriculum changes so quickly and the “how to raise kids” books rotate every few years, too. We simply do our very best while juggling family and the outside influences, that you’re trying to counteract. This one though, is something we can all work together to change and let it be a little gift to all the Women hereafter.
I say Sorry, Not Sorry!!

Back when I first noticed that I was saying sorry so much and actively set out to replace it with something else, I became well a little bit mental about it, LOL!

I’d be out somewhere and something would happen and ‘Sorry’ would shoot out my mouth. The next thing you know out would blurt ‘No, No, you know what NO I am not sorry at all!’ then I’d launch into a tirade about what I was not sorry for and why all Women should not be bloody sorry etc etc and the next thing you know there’d be a small posse of Women gathered around saying “Amen, Sister! You are so right, you did not do anything wrong!” He-He!

This would happen weekly, actually still does, so I am limiting my time out of the flat. For the good of mankind, personkind, whatever you want to call it. Safety first and all that! :)

Long story short, I tried very hard to replace “sorry” with “excuse me” and soon, I had normalised that within my speech but if I am around an “I’m sorry” user for any great length of time I notice that in my vocab “sorry” creeps right back on in and so does the guilt attached to it too, and THEN I start telling her off and usually give her the entire Grandma scenario of ‘why the hell are you sorry and what are you sorry for?’ lecture. This leads to me feeling bad and guilty. Then Sorry. Sorry NOT Sorry!

The thing is, we haven’t done anything wrong – perhaps we accidentally bumped into someone in a shop, big deal!

Men do that all the time – stop, watch and listen to what happens when they do that, there’s no big cry of apology, they feel no responsibility to explain what happened and seek forgiveness! – so WHY do we? Why are we taking the blame?

Here we have, I think, something we can really learn from Men. I have asked more than a few about it, I have literally stopped Men in a Myer store and even in a couple of Zara and Primark stores when I was recently travelling overseas and pointed out that they had just bumped into someone but had not apologised and asked ‘can you please tell me what went through your mind at that time as I am trying to work out why I feel compelled to say sorry a million times a day but Men just don’t seem to?’

The answer was always “it was just a bump, a little accidental push” – or something to that effect – as there was not any actual damage, no Woman or Child involved or hurt from it - it’s “all good, walk on” – no offence taken. Sometimes they didn’t even know it had happened! When they’ve bumped into me, they say something like “You right?” Or “All good?” - yet us Women seem to have some trigger in our brain urging us to clear this up immediately, so there can be NO misunderstanding or carry-over from what we did.

Question number Three was:

Is this a fear of being disliked?

Is “Sorry” a form of mean-girl school yard bullying in reverse? – i.e. I’m going to get in with an apology first so she has nothing on me. Am I just wanting to be liked so badly that I’ll apologise for absolutely anything, even if its NOTHING?

Well today, I publicly call Bullshit to “Sorry”

I’m not sorry for something I did not do incorrectly and even for the things I did, for I have learned great lessons from those things, thank you very much!
I am so deeply thankful for what I have learned from the shitty relationships, not such great choices and also from spending too much time in the wrong jobs.

Here sits, writing this, is a fully grown Adult, which seems to have taken until I reached the age of 60 (this past October) and that too, is A-OK. Let’s celebrate all the wins, shall we?

I have grown in ways that I could not have otherwise and I sit here face raised to the first Full Moon of 2025 and behind it, I leave Sorry.

Sorry, not sorry!

Go with Love,
SandieB xx